Wallowa County, Oregon – A contingency of eco-sexuals expressing fear for the life of their loved ones caused a recent shut down of the newly installed Salmon Cannon at the Hells Canyon dam.
“We received a call about a potential domestic abuse situation, so we followed protocol and immediately filed a Gun Violence Restraining Order with the local judge. This Salmon Cannon is the largest our department has ever seen; we’re lucky we got here when we did, there could have been roe everywhere,” said deputy Olivia Pescado.
A member of the eco-sexuals who initiated the call to the Hells Canyon Police Department expressed his fear for the well being of the numbers of Salmon being fired through the cannon, and over the dam to reach spawning grounds upstream, “They’re just fish, man. They’re not birds. They don’t want to fly. They want to be cared for and loved just like anyone else.”
Cheers erupted at the precinct when it was announced that the Cannon was in police custody. “I can’t wait for our monthly picnics,” cried one officer, “this will make the best water slide ever!”
“Unfortunately,” lamented the cannon’s owner, “this is a big blow for the salmon. We’ve spoken to our lawyers, and even if we could get it back, the legal fees alone will prevent us from recouping the cannon.”